The drugs didn't just not work...

My brain, to me, is a network of timing signals. Each neuron firing is an abstract now, in the sense that when a neuron fires, it says now, but has no concept of what must happen now. The downstream neurons then go if this and that just happened right now, then we need to happen too. Timing and sychronisation are critical to my Mental Health. Sometimes I need something simple to clock to, sometimes something human. There is no way the approximately 1 million random clicks and pops per second that 1mg of Risperidone injects onto this ridiculously timing-sensitive piece of biological apparatus can provide an alternative. To me it is incontrovertible insanity to believe otherwise (not understanding the effects of chemicals, or the needs of the patient, before overriding the patient's wishes is not an excuse, merely dangerous incompetence).

Deprived of the ability to clock my thoughts, it took thirteen years to muddle my way to a place where I managed to get off the pills long enough (i.e. two years) without them being reimposed, to restart my 'mental computer': my drilled logical system of thinking which permitted the intuitive leaps of reasoning for which I was known by a few friends at least. Thirteen years (and it took a few attempts to count them on my fingers: my former arithmetic skills are that crippled!). And that is not counting the two subsequent years it took to nurse myself back to mental and physical health.

The mechanical tempo sources are music; taiji provides a central disciplined framework to glue this together; the human tempo sources (unpredictable, gentle, and unmistakably human modulations of tempo) are where my friends, you people, have been, and are, whether church, taiji, Bridge collective, or just friends, in real life, or online... Are beyond invaluable. Thankyou.

Now i need to find a way to pass on what I learned on the Candlelight Serenade — that strange life where my love of weird and obscure problems and solutions provided me with that one flicker of hope I needed to always give tomorrow a chance. In time, I learned to quietly dance to the flicker, and use occasional flare to see where I waa going. The drugs put me in a place that dark. The world must know, and understand, how it actually is on the inside, when the drugs calm you down and make you better.

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